Ellie shares her thoughts on how you can be more in tune with yourself and others to help build connections.
With communication, we often focus on the power of our words, so much so that sometimes we can forget about the power of our actions that go with them! Our non-verbal communication is just as important as our verbal communication. By non-verbal communication, I’m referring to:
- body language
- posture
- gestures
- facial expressions
- eye contact
- nuances in our voice (pitch, tone, pace, volume etc.)
- breathing patterns
So, how can I be more in tune with myself?
During different conversations and interactions with others, try and be present and ‘drop in to yourself’, noticing those different aspects of non-verbal communication above. To ‘drop in to yourself’ means to become more aware of yourself and your current state in the present moment, focusing on your thoughts and behaviours and how these are manifesting and affecting yourself and others. To help check-in with yourself, you might choose to answer some or all of the following questions:
- how am I sat or stood – upright, slouched?
- am I using my hands to express myself, or are my arms crossed or still?
- am I smiling or am I frowning?
- how often and for how long am I maintaining eye contact?
- am I talking quickly and loudly, or slowly and softly?
- is my breathing slow and deep, or fast and shallow?
This might feel unnatural and a bit awkward at first, but it takes time and practice – perhaps you’ll choose to focus on one question first, and then progress through the list as you practise more and more – remember it’s about progress, not perfection.
Once you’ve noticed these things in yourself (there’s no right or wrong answer!), bring your words back into the equation and assess ‘do these actions match the words I’m saying?’ If you feel they do, that’s great. If not, don’t worry – consider what your body is trying to tell you, how you’re feeling and how you’re responding to the words you’re saying. Again, there’s no right or wrong answer here, it’s simply about having an awareness of ourselves as a whole. By checking in with ourselves with those questions, it gives us a choice: to remain in our current state, or adapt slightly so we feel our words and actions are better matched.
It’s important to match our words and actions where we can to help build positive connections with others. A common example of when these two don’t match is when someone ‘talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk’, which can cause some frustration and a lack of trust for the other person, as they haven’t done what they said they were going to do (something I’m sure we’ve all experienced and been guilty of at some point in our lives!). Now imagine this same person ‘talking the talk AND walking the walk’ and notice the difference – suddenly you can trust this person more, they seem more genuine and reliable and they aren’t frustrated. Having our words and actions match is the ideal, but is not always possible for a variety of reasons, so be mindful to not make judgements or justifications about your own and more importantly other’s behaviour, as you don’t know what’s going on inside them. The key is about being more aware of ourselves and considering if our current state is helping or hindering us, as this is something we have the power to influence and adapt should we choose to.
How can I be more in tune with others?
Begin to notice these non-verbal communication cues in others too – does it feel like their words and their actions match? If you feel they don’t, what might that be telling you or them? How might they be feeling, and how might that be impacting you? You could gently highlight this difference you’re noticing in words and actions to them with some radically candid feedback (by caring personally and challenging directly), again leaving them with the gift of choice – without judgement.
This idea of words and actions matching is known in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) as congruence. This alignment of words and actions is useful when helping to build rapport – an effective, communicative relationship with another person. To build this rapport even further, subtlely match and mirror the other person’s words and actions. Matching and mirroring another person’s words and actions helps us to become more like them, and research shows we are more drawn to people like ourselves. Therefore, if we match and mirror another person discretely, becoming almost in sync with their state, the other person is likely to feel more comfortable and at ease because you’re both similar, and they’ve perceived you to be like them. Be careful not to take this to the extreme and become a mime in the mirror though, else this will do the opposite and break the rapport you’re trying to build to be more in tune with each other! Again, this may feel a bit alien at first, but I’d recommend starting small, and gradually build up to help build stronger connections and relationships with others – perhaps you’ll start by mirroring the other person’s posture and noticing how you and the other person might feel in that state, and next time focus more on their gestures and so on and so forth…
How could you become more in tune with yourself and others?