Hannah explores what it really means to listen and how we can all be better listeners.
Many of us think we’re good listeners, particularly if we’ve mastered the art of nodding regularly. But guru-grade listening is on another level! All too often, instead of genuinely listening, we’re lining up a response or solution (particularly if we have expertise in a particular field, which we believe we’re expected to demonstrate or share).
The best coaches and leaders of high-performing teams stay curious and combine brilliant questions with listening, holding space for others to allow them to think through challenges and arrive at their own solutions. Listening is a skill we all need to keep practising, even if we already consider ourselves empathetic friends, partners and inspiring leaders. The results of continuously sharpening that tool in our box will reap rewards in all our relationships, on both sides.
We’re all human and our levels of listening fluctuate. Stephen Covey’s ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ identifies five levels of listening; ignoring, pretending (where nodding often comes in!), selective, attentive and empathetic. It’s interesting to pause and reflect on which level we do most of our listening and whether it’s a gift we offer everyone in equal measure – even if we start out with the best of intentions.
My partner has an irritating habit of being able to repeat what I’ve just said verbatim (when challenged!) if he’s cut me off mid-flow and I know he hasn’t really listened. He must have some sort of in-built audio playback function! I think we tend to hone this skill at school as a get-out-of-jail-free card we can play if the teacher suspects we haven’t been paying attention!
For my own part, if what someone is saying ignites me, or I feel I might have something especially useful to offer, I sometimes find myself jiggling with excitement and it risks (and sometimes does lead to) a burst out. The good news is that there are techniques we can draw on from NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) to remind ourselves of the cues and clues that we should continue to listen and hold silence. The gift of silence allows our conversation partner time to think, or simply, draw breath!
We don’t always need to be ready with a solution – sometimes being heard is enough; an opportunity to have our say can remove the emotion from a frustrating experience and make us feel valued. At Rambutan, we believe that truly listening to someone is the greatest gift of all. I believe it’s a reciprocal gift, as the more we listen, the more we can learn and grow. This National Day of Listening, who will receive this gift from you?
Celeste Headlee’s TED Talk, ‘10 ways to have a better conversation’, is a brilliant reminder of the keys to a quality natter. For a deep dive, I recommend ‘Time to Think’ by Nancy Kline. If you’d like to share your own thoughts on this topic, get in touch – I’m listening!